I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
