if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want nice things and good sex
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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