my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
