I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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