I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
