she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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