i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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