It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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