I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
