More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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