Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
