I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
