im six kinds of drunk right now
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
