well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
