Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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