headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
