I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
