I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
