What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize