We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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