If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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