I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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