His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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