I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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