Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
