i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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