Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize