Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
