can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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