It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize