Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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