my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
