i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
