I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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