sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My pussy is not your playground.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
