i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
