they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize