textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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