who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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