To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I deserve this hangover.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
