Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
