i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
