Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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