When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
