Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
