it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
