I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
