guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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