so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
