I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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