he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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