so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
