I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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