Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
